And to the comment of kids trying to please the parent. I pray he will find some clarity and work on being a dad the kids can believe in and enjoy. Whatever lies behind your child’s resistance – and the possible reasons are numerous – it doesn’t necessarily mean you have to make changes to your established routine. Threatening your teen with punishment or restricting his freedom will likely hurt more than it will help. I sure wish that would be the case. She said her girlfriends were having a slumber party, and she didn't want to miss it. Welcome to parenting! He is extremely controlling and mentally abusive (more towards my daughter 14). I haven’t spoken to their mother about this yet, but I need to before it becomes a bigger issue. We hope so. Your child needs to feel that they're listened to and their concerns are understood. I am not jealous of him in the least, I couldn’t be happier that I do not have to be controlled and mentally abused by him any longer. Try though to remember that although your ex has left the relationship, they haven’t left their children. I guess the best way to understand how the local judges rule is to talk to a local attorney. Yeah, some parents may truly try to alienate but some kids are estranged because the parent themselves! My ex husband is not her birth father, but has been in her life since she was 18 mos. My daughter will be 14 in January. I did what i could at first and “helped ” the ex the best I could , but as in every scenario, they end up burning their bridges on their own with their children . I am currently experiencing this same exact scenario. I would love for our children to feel good about going to his house. She wanted me to know of all the sneaky things she’d seen him do. This means that responses such as "you must go", or "mummy/daddy will be upset if you don’t go", or "your mum/dad will have a go at me", as well as the use of bribery or threats, can be unhelpful. ... any parent can tell you that you trying to force a 15-year-old to who doesn’t want to visit their other parent isn’t going to go well. If your child’s resistance to going to their other parent's home is a one-off, it probably isn’t that important. He did a lot of things to me and her both. For example: “My child doesn’t have a very good relationship with her father, and she doesn’t want to … When she did try to talk to him, he just got angrier. Believe me, I've tried to convince him to do something else, but he wont change it. My 10 year old does not want to go to her dads for two nights every alternate week. What can your child suggest that would make the visit better? I have encouraged, cajoled, and tried to reassure them as best as I can. I have 3 daughters (11 – 13 – 15). I don’t feel like I should force them though. But his behaviour has led to his alienating his own children from himself. Older children may become withdrawn, show disinterest or just be blunt and say, 'I don’t want to go'. It's also upsetting for the child and their other parent (though their upsets may be for different reasons from your own). It’s a sad situation. Molly, you have obviously been fortunate enough to not have been in or be in an toxic relationship. I really wish kids had a choice…a voice. During the school year, he is supposed to go over to her house every other weekend and only one weekend for the entire nine months did she actually spend her whole weekend with him – most of her weekends she just utilized parts of the weekend. For once, the answer is "you very well may have a case." 2018-11-15 06:46:54 Question of discrimination in hiring. Our 18-year-old has no memory of any positive interactions with him. ©2019 Divorced Moms. The Parent’s Guide to Separation © Copyright DWP 2015. For those of us that have we can relate all to well to this story. Content originally produced for What Next? If you can, talk to your child and try to identify what is behind their resistance to visiting. It seems more likely that the children are rejecting Dad in an attempt to please Mom. This refusal may result from alienation, anger, and sometimes fear. Forcing only pushes children further away. Children know who makes them feel loved and cherished and who doesn’t. Back during that time, my husband responded by filing contempt charges against me. No court is going to try to force a 14yo to see her dad unless she wants to or there's a very good reason why that 14yo can't be trusted to make her own decisions. Christy Cox is a mom to four children and a few pets. Older children and teenagers may want to have a say in when and how they see their other parent. Relate charity number: 207314, Company number: 394221 (Registered in England and Wales) Relate address: Premier House, Carolina Court, Lakeside, Doncaster, DN4 5RA. Allow your child to bring things to remind them of their other parent when they are with you. He also told him he shouldn't be a baby sitter for his sisters. My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit her father anymore and has told him so. NO CHILD!! We would love to be able to kiss our kids goodbye for a visit knowing that our kids are happy and safe. I keep suggesting they talk to their father, but they tell me that I don’t understand. Find out what’s available in your area. Since he is 17 a judge is going to take his feelings into consideration and will probably agree with him. I wonder it you could negotiate a change in the visits with the father, since, from your description, he doesn't seem particularly interested in your child. The Duke and Duchess of Sussex landed a … I wonder if you can help me with a problem I am having with my four-year-old daughter. First, let me tell you, I am NOT a lawyer and I cannot give you legal advice. I have three children —8, 12 and 14. So, even though, for example, you may consider your ex’s initial new home unsuitable for children, you can start to consider other ways contact can be maintained. Maybe you’ve had a difficult separation and still feel angry or resentful. He does treat our oldest worse than the younger one – he tells her constantly “you look just like your ___ mother” or “you’re just like your ___ mother” and then will turn around and tell the youngest “i’m glad you look more like me”. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. Recently, their mother moved into a travel trailer in a casino parking lot, and our daughters (minus the 11 yr old) refuse to visit her. What do you think is behind their reluctance to visit? My kids are getting ready to see their father for spring break. God help me. His behavior was always incredibly toxic during our marriage. So Your Teen Doesn’t Want to Visit the Other Parent… In Georgia, the law is written so that if a 14-year-old child desires to live primarily with one parent in a divorce case, that desire is honored unless a judge can find a reason why that choice is not in his/her best interests. The legal system needs to listen to them! So, now the oldest doesn’t want to go at all – at a loss of what to do and feel so helpless to help her. If you don't make the child go on court ordered visitation, you make be held in contempt. Thank you for this question. Please look at all possibilities before berating people for looking for support and commonalities in their frustrations. my ex obviously didnt try to hard to remedy the situartion , he was “fine ” with the less weekends ….and so it made it even easier for my son to just not go and avoid the whole situation . When a child is sick or otherwise unable to make a visit, the parent with present custody of the child must notify the other parent as soon as possible and work out a make-up visit. Their mother and I communicate moderately well, but I know this is going to set her off (and the kids are likely to face belittlement from her as a result). There may be lots of reasons why you don’t want your children to stay with their other parent. I’m at this site tonight because this is our situation, too. My daughter has been through hell and tried to cope, but at 16 refused to go to visitation. But I learned the hard way–forcing children to engage in a toxic relationship is a bad idea. 1. However, our youngest child is 8 and she has a fairly good relationship with her dad. I’m working very hard at the moment to reestablish a relationship with my children who are estranged from me. then it got bit by bit better …. I do stress needs here not wants, and it is a parents job to help discern the difference between needs and wants, as children cannot always do so. Yes, she can get in legal trouble. 14 year olds should have a say in their custody arrangements, definitely speak to a lawyer and tell your daughter if she really doesn't want to visit her mum then she needs to make her opinion clear to a judge. Keep visits short and surroundings familiar - maybe start with a short visit to a familiar relative's home, for example. There seems to be a trend with our four children. What To Do When Your Kid Doesn’t Want To Go To Dad’s House, How To Deal With Handover After Weekend Visitation. It’s so horrible that children are MADE to visit people they don’t want to just because they are related! His road rage and leaving her alone and Pornos we’re just some of her complaints but somehow he spun it in court that me n my husband are the bad guys note:I did try to speak to him and he said if I petitioned him or told authorities about his drug use n selling (which I have proof of) he would put a hit on me. old and adopted her when she was 5. One would think as an adult that if you wanted to have a conversation with your children you would call them.. Well, it has been anything but. Now kids have no desire to see therapist because they both agree “it doesn’t do any good to talk to someone, when no one listens to how I feel.” So now all the kids see is that the courts are failing them as well as outside help , it’s nice to know I’m not the only one going through this!! Mine for example told me to quit apologizing for him when he would say hateful, mean things to them….because it was not my fault. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. Thank God their mother didn’t force them to put up with my crap! If this is not possible, ask your ex what they think is behind their reluctance. They have never been close. He doesn't want to see him full stop. But once your kid reaches a certain age – they figure out what type of person their father is on their own. What Do You Do When Your Ex Requests Less Parenting Time? From the age of 11 and 12 on , I can honestly count on both hands how many times my son has actually stayed at his dads … and he is about to 18 this fall ….. The kids are also pretty upset with the idea of me going back to court. My son does not want to visit his father. We had to leave for a reason! The usual threats of contempt are yelled at me and him – what can I do? He tolerates their relationship. No one can tell you how a judge will rule, not even a local attorney. A casual conversation is often best. Please, please listen to your kids. We have Relates across England and Wales, offering different services and workshops to help you improve your relationships. This does not necessarily mean she is consciously trying to alienate them from their father, but failure to nip it in the bud will only aggravate the damage to the children. What can your child suggest that would make a good visit? What do they think will be good about visiting? They nipped their relationship with me in the bud and I have a lot of respect for them setting boundaries on my behavior toward them. My whole family and I constantly tell the kids that they are to never feel guilty or conflicted about visiting him for any reason. Custody orders have the force of law, and they are binding on the PARENTS; if the court’s orders are not followed as written, it is the PARENTS who are in contempt. In cases where parents can’t agree, a judge will decide visitation and custody based on the child’s best interests.Your custody order will designate which parent(s) has legal and physical custody. If they want to visit they do. I tried getting them to talk and work out something, but he tells me there’s no way to even have a conversation with her. Both mother and father are adults here so they are both equally responsible for maintaining a strong relationship with their children. Benjamin Biendarra, 27, … They are estranged because I was angry over the divorce from their mother and took it out on my 2 daughters. ... Thursday, 14 November 2019 10 Tips on Preparing For Trial For Your Ohio Divorce Case. At first the children coped well, but now that Sarah is eight it’s becoming more and more difficult to encourage her to go to her dad's at weekends. I didn’t come away from the article with that impression. It usually helps if both parents have a better idea of what needs to change. Father looking for some guidance here. He has explained to his dad that he doesn't see him when he is there to visit. Vise versa. It can also help to put yourself in the position of a child whose parents have split up. Part of me hoped that he would straighten up, but he has gotten worse as time goes by. After the divorce ended, I was able to talk the middle two children into giving their father a chance. It is very unfortunate, my children are also dealing with a behaviorally toxic father, he was like that when we were married, which is one of the main reasons we are divorced. In that situation, a parent likely should have stayed in control and made the visit happen. It can be upsetting when your child does not want to visit, but don't assume that this is all your partner's fault. Anyways, these last couple of months my daughter has been less eager to visit him. They are too afraid of their father to tell him they don’t want to visit. at first i tried to make it seem like a good thing , I would give my son pep talks about how great and fun it was going to be, and every Friday night , I would have a hysterical 5 1/2 year old plopped on my doorstep , not being able to do one night , and my ex would be furious , angry and thinking its my fault …. Absolutely DO NOT force your children to visit your ex if they don’t want to. I don’t want them to resent me for making them go. After the divorce, when the kids WERE visiting their dad, my stress lifted more than I can express. It started as journaling through a crazy divorce and grew with a passion for expression and as a way to help others in similar situations. youre right these are major red flags. I do agree, Fathers are important in a child’s life, but they can be just as detremental if he is a toxic individual. Jill writes: Please give me some help and advice.My 14 year old daughter does not want to visit with her father. Here are credible Georgia cases supporting similar, and unique, scenarios: During the divorce, our second child started refusing visits with his father also. Give me a break….she gave many examples and the daughter threw a phone at HER for God sake. I made an appointment for a therapist I am hoping we can get to the bottom of it. Plus the kids were so adamant. Nobody is jealous. He has already threatened me , in front of the kids, with Child Protective Services, and called the local police station. Custodial parents face a difficult issue when a minor child refuses to visit with the other parent. NO child should be forced to be around a parent who causes them misery. My son is afraid that if he doesn't go, I'll get in trouble. It can make the other parent feel helpless to stand up for what their kids are begging for because no one considers it “real abuse”, but this kind of abuse is as dangerous as any kind. Their mother has primary custody – yet I have had our daughters 95% of the time since March 2020. I don’t think he understands how much they resent him over that. However, father is very interested in visitation as it may lower his child support. He’s 17…nobody can force him to go. Your ex may threaten to have you put in jail but if you have provided a stable loving safe home for the kids you probably don’t have much to worry about. Daughter says she never wants to talk to him again, but he was an abusive jerk in front of her all the time. The world is full of many things that can cause a child to grow into a man or woman that is cable of the subtle abuse that is happening in this story, the kind of abuse that is often over looked and ignored by the courts. My son does not want to visit his father. I read a comment above that put blame on the parents for not supporting a relationship with the other parent. I second that Amen. This was because they were 14 and 11 years old at the time. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. The 14 year old had a huge argument with my ex-husband a few months ago and now refuses to go to his father's house during his … But there has never been ANYTHING they have adamantly refused to do. I do remember how horrified she was by her father’s behavior after I asked him to take her to all-day soccer tournaments. Manipulation by the Child– Some children don’t want to visit the other parent because the child has other things they’d rather do (such as go visit a friend in the neighborhood) or things they wish to avoid (chores at the other parent’s home). Well, it has been anything but. These are THEIR feelings, and to try to ‘nip them’ and make them visit their dad will only hinder them. Divorce is a crappy thing for anyone , at anytime , all we can do is hope for the best , and keep hoping we are doing right by our kids …. It’s not uncommon for couples to separate because of their very different ideas of what it is to be a parent, so it’s not surprising if you have concerns. Also don’t have the money if he decides to take me to court!! But if they now say they don’t want to visit we meet for the exchange, and he is informed at that point that they don’t want to visit that day. Her birth father lives in another state and talks to her monthly- he is more like an uncle to her, but they get along very well. Please consider making a just a small donation. It can help to think through carefully how best you approach the subject, and when. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. Kids know who are genuine and who love them. When he actually decides to text or call them they ignore him. But most of her issues were from when her father used to hide his phones so our youngest two kids couldn’t contact me. It has gotten progressively worse but I have ALWAYS made them go. The kids usually come home from his house with bloated bellies, tummy pain and sometimes weight gain. As a parent, one has a duty to build a relationship with their child. My ex’s attorney angrily demanded that I make them go in the same way I made them do anything else they refused to do. Molly – I’m not sure what you are reading, but my ex and I are both remarried. Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. Court order in place. I don’t want to put him through this however, I don’t want to end up in trouble myself…please, any advice appreciated…. Children under the age of 18 are to go to all scheduled visitations with their father. They complain that there is no food in the house, only junk, and they always eat out in restaurants. Once the divorce started and the older kids found out they were expected to stay with him for days at a time, they panicked. Hopefully this adds a little clarity. I really hope I am right and you have never experienced a toxic relationship and that you, your partner, and your children continue to live with this blessing….because it is truly a blessing to be spared the pain. I have been divorced for 9 years now and ever since I can remember both my kids 9(know 14 and 12) have not wanted to go with their dad for weekends. We are located in Pennsylvania. I made their lives miserable and will spend the rest of my life trying to make it up to them. A judge won’t be swayed by one parent’s argument that a toddler refused visitation. My son's father and I separated (moved to different locations) in Dec 2009 (still married) it is now April 2011 (still married, however living in different locations for over a year). The divorce decree is clear. My son is refusing to go with his Mother because of her anger management issues, emotional abuse, and toxic environment at her house. All rights reserved. From what I’ve read on this board… shame on you moms for making yourselves look like victims here. She threw a phone at me and would cry hysterically all the way to his house. Frustrated by the system and by LA responses. He made his own bed along with his new wife on how they treated these children that last 4 years during visits. The court looks at 16 factors in determining custody, and one of them happens to be the preference of … What did the therapist say? Incidently, his brother, now 18, went down the same road trying to avoid all of the issues associated with his mom’s house. Most custody orders don’t spell out a parent’s role in facilitating visitation other than making a child available for … Children express resistance to staying with their other parent in different ways. Although the oldest refused, the other children stuck fairly closely with the visitation agreement. I would encourage her to keep in touch with him and maybe suggest alternatives to staying the whole weekend. I have been divorced for 9 years now and ever since I can remember both my kids 9(know 14 and 12) have not wanted to go with their dad for weekends. Ian thinks I’m influencing her, but she genuinely doesn’t want to go and she says she doesn’t want to leave me.'. I can talk with an attorney however, what’s the chance that the court would entertain reducing his custodial time less than it is now? Writing is a new adventure for Christy. Another big source of contention is their dad’s girlfriend. Thanks for your reply, Ella. From the texts I received over the weekend, her anger never faded. He has come back and said he is going to make her come. And how do you except her to nip this in the bud? And since the ex has WAY more money than I do he can take our son out for all sorts of things that I can’t afford. Mine are 12 and 9 and absolutely refuse to go, they want nothing to do with him. My 9yo often doesn’t want to visit her dad. I know many family law judges personally and the firs thing they’d want to know is why a man chose to go to court instead of sitting down and working the issue out with his son. What legal applies, then, if a/the 14-year-old who chooses to live with one parent doesn’t want to visit with the other parent? My poor son (8 years old) cries and cries. When Your Child Doesn't Want to Visit You. It is heart wrenching to go through this. I examined that as well. Sometimes children worry about the parent they're leaving behind. Parents can decide visitation on their own, or hire a mediator to help. I’ve worked in the field of divorce for 14 years. He would complain of headaches and stomachaches and would try to retreat in his room for long periods of time, not wanting to talk or play. I am experiencing this now with my 12 year old. In my state (North Carolina) once the children are old enough to not be physically forced or bribed to see the non-custodial parent, no judge will enforce the “parenting” plan. They would be so much better off if their father could find a way to attract them into his life instead of forcing them. She enjoys music (especially live music), dancing, reading, travel, decorating, shopping, long walks, boating and trying new things. She’s had spells where she just doesn’t want to visit him. If they have visited before ask your child to describe: If they have never visited before ask your child: Your child's suggestions may not be realistic, but they may help you to consider a new solution that you can discuss with them and their other parent. It is awful. Kids are also required to call him — which makes perfect sense to me (insert sarcasm). Recently my ex told me that until the kids are 16, they have no say in whether they visit him or not. We don’t choose to go through this. It may be your child has specific needs, such as a particular food preferences only met in one parental home, or they may be trying to avoid something, such as homework, music practice or showering that is expected in one home. And back to court I go. my 14 year old daughter doesnt want to see her father, he… my 14 year old daughter... my 14 year old daughter doesn't want to see her father, he is now sending me abusive texts and threatening court..I have not stopped her seeing him, however she has deided she doesn' want to see him. As the children have gotten older and are refusing visits again, my ex has demanded that I “show them who the adult is” and do whatever it takes to make them visit him. MEGHAN Markle and Price Harry have become a 'cash-in couple' with big brands throwing dosh at the pair - and they're only set to make even more. The kids have been telling their friends things their dad has done that they have identified as wrong, and the friends’s parents have told me. If mom is encouraging the visits, why would the children try and please mom? My 13yo does not want to visit her dad. A child under five may appear clingy, cry, scream or pretend to be ill. And maybe ask them directly if something is happening or being done to them when their with their father. In October 2009 my son's father announced he wanted to get a divorce. At one point, he showed up at her soccer banquet, and when she saw him already sitting in there, she refused to go in. The older the child is, the more adamant they are about not wanting to visit their father. The proper response from the parent is to lay down the law: it doesn’t matter if you don’t like it, you WILL GO. But that was as good as it ever got for our oldest daughter and her father. Speak positively about the other parent with your child to remove any guilt or loyalty issues your child may have. Us parents that go through this type of situation do not enjoy it and wish our kids would have great a relationship with the other parent because watching your kids hurt and feeling unsafe is extremely difficult. This is a very frustrating thing to deal with. It’s sound like a lot of jealousy here because the dads are remarried. The 42-year-old leader has the resident doctor of the Elysee Palace presidential residence by his bedside after becoming infected and being hit by a fever. One of our kids has very recently reported that their dad has said he knows he needs to do better (behaviorally). To cut a long story short, the psychologist produced an 11 page report outlining why no contact should take place until my son is at least 16 years old (mental/emotional abuse mainly - his bio father was more concerned with his hatred of me than having a relationship with his son). His wife is extremely rude to my oldest and makes it very well known that the youngest is the favorite! Talking with your ex can feel tricky. I have had to tell the school about this because the children ate being effected in school too now. The last time he filed contempt, he asked for me to be incarcerated. Think about how you can break things down into smaller steps. Until then they’d never offered to be punished instead of doing what was asked of them. I separated from her father 18 months ago. Another thing you could do is approach his Mom about changing the visitation schedule. I am however, a divorced mom, a high school teacher of at risk youth, and a family mediator. Get her to speak with the lawyer too so the lawyer can explain the process and what it means. When she was about 13, she started approaching me about his behaviors that were very unsettling to her. Please try and be understanding to others perspectives. But I will not force them. If he would approach this differently he would get a different response. When it happens often though, you may feel frustrated, hurt or shocked. How Is Visitation Dealt With In Your State? If you stop forcing them to go for the scheduled visits, can’t you as the mother, get into trouble for that? Thankfully the kids have seen many examples of sincerity from my whole family. But I think it's important that he does. It is very chalke ging yo get them to their visits and we are frequently late because they just drag themselves through the process of getting there. If she is agreeable all you would need to do is have an attorney draw up a new agreement and file it with the court. I constantly try everything I can to keep his father in a positive light. Why I Stayed So Long In a Psychologically Abusive Relationship, 10 Completely Legal Ways To Get Back At Your Cheating Husband. They need to re-establish healthy relations with Dad NOW, and Mom needs to be the one to enforce this and show them that choosing her over him does NOT please her. What makes me ill is that I continually tell my children that this is their father, they will regret not having a relationship with him. Children are NOT pawns in a divorce, they did not choose the separation or the resulting chaos that always ensues. He can be forced to go with her…and I mean forced by the police and you don’t want that for him. He’s supposed to go every other weekend during the school year (he went less on his mom’s direction) – it’s the every other week in the summer which is causing the significant stress. I’m just not sure what to do. You cannot physically force a fifteen-year-old boy to visit a parent if he doesn’t want to. Reading your article, he sounds so much like my ex husband. I have action changed my approach with the girls recently. I had told him this and she had even wrote a letter to him but still he was trying to force her. The court looks at 16 factors in determining custody, and one of them happens to be the preference of …